Friday, August 17, 2007

Wedding Bell Blues

I was sputtering when I opened up the invitation sized envelope.

“What’s got your panties in a bunch?” Himself asked.

“We got a save the date magnet from my cousin George’s daughter.”

“Save the date?”

“Yeah, a notice that she’s engaged to be married, supposed to be sent out 8 months to a year before the wedding date. Except this one is for a wedding this October.”

“Ok, so you’re bent out of shape because they didn’t follow Emily Post wedding etiquette?”

“No, I’m bent out of shape because I’m just a gift.”

“I’m not following.”

“I haven’t seen Annie since she was 4 years old. Haven’t seen Cousin George since he gave Uncle George a surprise birthday party 4 or 5 years ago. See? I’m just a gift. And I know Ma’s going to want to go. She’ll have a new captive audience to sing the ‘He’s Stupid Song’ to. I don’t want to go.”

Himself looked at the magnet with the bride and groom’s name and wedding date. “Hey, this is the first Sat. in October. Isn’t your year long calligraphy class meeting the first Saturday of the month?”

“Yes! You’re brilliant!”

“Hey, that’s why I get the big bucks.”

So I didn’t sweat the issue when the invitation arrived. I checked off the ‘will not attend’ box on the reply card, and thought this would be the end. Then there was the phone call from Dad.

“Did you get an invitation to the wedding?”

“Yes, but I’m not going.”

There was a very long pause on the other end of the line. A pause, like the line went dead or a pause because I had blurted out that I was the kidnapper of the Lindberg baby. “Dad? You still there.”

“Yes. Your mother will want to go to this wedding.”

I felt the familiar pain form behind my left eye. “I told you, I’m not going…”

“But it’s family!”

“Family? Hello! This girl wouldn’t know me from a hole in the wall! I’m just a gift! I haven’t seen or heard from Cousin George since I got invited to Uncle George’s birthday where I was another gift. I’m not going because I signed up to take a year long calligraphy class and it happens to meet on that day.”

I thought that was going to be the end and then there was another phone call from Dad.

“Your mother wants to go to the wedding.”

“Fine, I’m not stopping her, but I can’t drive you. I told you I have a class that day and can’t go. You do realize that this wedding isn’t until 5:30 pm.”


“The wedding ceremony isn’t until 5:30 pm at Piney Point at the church. If she has a Mass, you won’t be getting out until 6:30 or 7pm. Then you have to go to the hotel in Boston. The bridal party will need an hour for photographs. The reception won’t be starting until 8pm. Honestly, I don’t think Ma will be able to take the day. It will be too much for her.”

“Oh, I didn’t look that closely at the invitation.”

I thought that was going to be the end and then there was the note that arrived with the check for his portion of the telephone bill.

“What did you say?” Himself asked.

I sighed deeply and dramatically. “She’s trying to wear me down, and I don’t want to go.”

“Go where?”

“To that stupid wedding. Dad just sent me a note. ‘Your mother wants to go to the wedding.’ I’m not going.”

“You don’t have to. You have your calligraphy class.”

“That’s not going to stop her from hounding me. Where’s the aspirin?”

“Then throw me under the bus. Tell her I work on Saturdays at the karate studio.”

“That won’t stop her. She wants a ride.”

“Maybe your dad’s friend will drive them.”
“She wouldn’t know anyone at the wedding.”

“Exactly, she’d be a gift.”


Erica Vetsch said...

Your Ma coulda taught the Chinese something about the water torture.

Anonymous said...

LOL, CJ! Your mother sounds like the kids I watched this summer..."Can I go into the pool? Is it time for the pool? I want to go into the pool? Is the pool ready?"


Joyce said...

Excellent CJ. I missed your writing talent in the Valley. Hope all is well with you and yours. Joyce

Nutterone said...

I don't blame you... Go classes! I hate being a "gift." I intend to invite only "loved ones" if I ever marry... So please know, YOU will not be a gift in the land of the "southern" dragons...

Donna Alice said...

LOL!! I needed a laugh today and I've sat here and caught up on several of these too funny posts! This one about the wedding is priceless and so true to life. Your Ma and my grandmother could be twins! You've GOT to put this into book form--you'd hit the New York Times Bestselling list.