Stop In The Name of Love

"After we finish with the doctor, and it's not too late, can you take me to the bank?" Ma asked.

Deep sigh. I hate the location of her new bank. Right on Main Street. Angled parking that's always full, and if you're lucky enough to get a space in front of the bank building, it's always in between two giant Sooves (Dad's word for SUV) so you can't see to back out into traffic.

I made the turn onto Main St. I could see the last space in front of the bank was open. And then the @$# car in front of me, pulled neatly into that last @$@% space!

The street next to the bank is more of an alley than a street. It's so narrow, hard to believe it's a two way with parallel parking on one side. I might be able to find a space towards the back of the bank building. I made the turn and pulled next to the corner curb to let Ma out. All the while speaking in tongues.

She just wanted to find out if her pension check had been direct deposited. The pension people had "lost" the paperwork and owed her 3 months of checks. Why couldn't she just call the &$^^@! bank from the comfort and convenience of her home? No, we have to make a trip downtown. Where there's no parking. Or parallel parking. I can't parallel park to save my soul.

I was still muttering in tongues when I slammed the driver door shut and turned to walk to the passenger side of the car to let Ma out.

In front of me, a police officer pulled his enormous Soove into the opening of the alley and hit the flashing blue bar on the top of his vehicle.

For the love of $&!#* I could see the officer mouthing the words MOVE THE CAR NOW

I walked to the police vehicle, and the officer rolled down his window. He was telling me I couldn't park there and I was blocking the crosswalk.

I think I might have said to him "Give me a break" I know I was thinking it along with some other phrases. I put my hands up to him. He probably thought I was praying. I actually had my wrists together begging him in mime to arrest me. Handcuff me! Take me to jail! Do not let me pass go! Then I wouldn't have to deal with the Weebles at all.

He must have caught sight of Dad exiting the car.

"I love old people, too. Let 'em out and then MOVE your vehicle."

"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir."

The officer disappeared as I got Ma out of the car, got her walker, and got her toddling up the sidwalk.

"Where are we supposed to go?" Dad meekly asked.

"The %#&*% BANK! It's right in front of you!"

I got back into the car, turned over the engine, and was about to pull away from the curb, when I saw Dad reaching for the passenger side back door.

Ma's ^#&!*#^ pockabook was on the back seat!

Have to say one thing about the beater of the station wagon I drive. The doors really hold up well to slamming.

With the pockabook retrieved, the Weebles heading to the bank, a quick glance in the rearview mirror to make sure the police officer hadn't circled the bank to ticket me for being too slow, I pulled out into the alley. There was an open spot right in front of the back door of the bank, but as I said I can't parallel park to save my soul. At the end of the alley at the corner were two empty parking spaces. I could just pull up to the curb. I maneuvered neatly. Put the car into park, turned off the engine, and looked in the spare change bucket for a quarter to feed the meter. I had myriad numbers of dimes, copious nickels, a few pennies, and not one @$!@$! quarter! Not one!

"^!%$@^&^", I screamed and banged the steering wheel. No good deed goes unpunished.

Once again I gave my door a solid, satisfying slam, turned the engine over, and pulled out into traffic. Behind the bank, there is a small parking lot for bank customers. It's usually full. I pulled in and started the circuit to the exit as every space I could see had a ^%@^* car in it. Late Thursday afternoon, why were these people at the bank? Doesn't everyone have their paycheck direct deposited now?

And there in front of me, a whole row of handicap spaces! A whole, empty row and I had Ma's handicap placard with me!

When Ma concluded her business, I made her walk to the back of the bank, exit the back door and walk to my car. No way was I going to drive around to the front of the bank to try to pick the Weebles up. No good deed goes unpunished.