Tuesday, June 24, 2008

OY


I was supposed to take the Weebles to a doctor's appointment. Himself was looking at the calendar.

"I can take them for you. I get out at 10AM, but I have a meeting in the afternoon with the president. "

"You sure you'd have time? The doctor keeps them waiting for a good hour. The appointment is for 11:15."

"My meeting isn't until 3pm, so even if the doctor kept them waiting, I'd still have time."

His offer was an incredible gesture, and I happy danced.

The Young One and I made plans for our free day. We'd drop The Eldest off at work. We'd stop at the bank and head to the mall to do birthday shopping for The Eldest. The post office on the way home would round out our trip.

I called Dad to let him know of the change in the shuttle pilot roster.

Fifteen minutes after my call, and just as The Eldest headed out the door so I could drive her to work, the phone rang. Dad.

"Your mother is all upset that you're not coming to take her to the doctor. She doesn't want to go now."

"Oh for Ch...and I lapsed into tongues."

"Himself is trying to do me a favor since he has to hang around waiting for his meeting."

"I know. Get in touch with him and tell him not to bother."

"I can't get in touch with him. You'll just have to tell him when he gets there."

"Ok. Hey, I took that money and did like you said. I bought something for myself. I bought a player for those little records..."

"That's great, Dad. Listen, I have to go take The Eldest to work."

"I'm having a nice time listening to the music."

"Good, Dad. Listen, gotta run or she'll be late."

In the parking lot where The Eldest works, just for chuckles, I tried calling Himself at his office. Usually, he does not check his voice mail at the end of his workday. Left a message for him to call me on my cell phone and headed off to do the errands. I gave The Young One my phone so she could answer it, if it rang while I was driving.

We stopped at the bank and headed to the mall. The Young One jumped and fumbled in her pocket.

"What's the matter?"

"The phone! The phone is vibrating." She had turned the volume up so we'd be sure to hear the theme song from "The Big Valley".

She answered the phone and tried relaying messages while I sputtered.

"Tell him to hang on. I'll talk to him." I pulled into the parking lot of the garden store we were passing."

"What do you want me to do?"

"You can call to see if she still wants to go. You can just show up over there. Your call. If it were me, I'd say eff her and not bother to call or show up. She deserves to miss her doctor's appointment."

He laughed.

"I'll just head over there and play Mickey the Dope."

"You're a better man than I, Gunga Din."

"I certainly hope so," he said in his best Groucho Marx impression.

At the mall, I sat in the Target parking lot. For the life of me, I couldn't remember what else I was supposed to do besides hit Barnes and Noble for a gift card for The Eldest. Weebles can just suck the brain cells and life force from you body. Even long distance.

"Guess this was the wrong week for me to start Weight Watchers. I'm a stress eater," I explained to The Young One. "I have such an urge to go into the store and buy a bag of Hershey kisses and a box of Cheez-Its and sit out here in the car and eat them all."

She giggled and patted me on the back.

"Have all the animals gone back into the forest?"

The Young One has such a sunny disposition. It's hard to stay in a bad mood.

"Yes. Let's go do our shopping."

I stopped in the coffee aisle to get coffee bags for The Eldest.

"Ooo, look," said The Young One. Tazo Chai Tea. Just like they serve at Starbuck's"

Somehow the box found its way to my hand.

"Are these tea bags?" I wavered and started to put the box back.

"C'mon, it'll be a treat."

I flipped the box into the carriage for an easy two points.

"I need some light bread."

"Can we get some bagels."

Deep sigh. I love bagels. "No, unfortunately, one bagel is equal to an entire loaf of bread."

"There's light English muffins."

A temptation. I reached for a loaf of light bread, and my hand brushed a package of Weight Watcher's Bagels. Weight Watchers. One point for a whole bagel!

"See?" said The Young One knowingly. "God wants you to have a good day."

"Yeah, I guess He does," and the bagels were placed reverently on the baby seat where they wouldn't get crushed.

We took a spin through the video games and The Young One hinted what she would like for her birthday as her birthday is eleven days after her sister's.

"It won't be much of a surprise."

"Beats getting underwear."

"That it do." The game went into the cart.

We stopped at FYE for a couple of DVDs I wanted. If I couldn't stress eat, I could certainly stress shop. A quick run through Game Stop, Barnes and Noble, the post office, and home for lunch.

The Young One planned our afternoon.

"We can have bagels and chai at snack time and watch a video."

I couldn't think of a better way to spend the afternoon.

Himself called after lunch.

"Did you survive?"

"Oh, yeah, but it was something."

"Do tell."

"First she was yelling at your father because he took THE comb. Then he didn't put the part in her hair the right way. She was feeling her head and yelling she couldn't feel the part."

I would have told her where she could place her hand and feel the part.

"Then we got to the doctor's office and like you said he kept them waiting for exactly an hour. Before they went in, they had to have a blood and urine test. Only they forgot and they ate breakfast."

"Oh, for Ch..." and tongues." "They only go to the doctor every three effin' months. They've been doing this for two years! Ya think they would know the routine."

"Yeah, well, it seems your mother got locked in the ladies' room."

"What? She never uses the ladies' room there. She always takes the cup home and then Dad walks back to the office to drop the specimen off."

"Don't know about that. I guess the outer door was too heavy for her to open. Anyway, your dad had to go find her. 'Ma? Ma? You alright in there?'"

"Oh help me Lord, there will be hell to pay tomorrow."

"Yup, your name is Mud," Himself laughed.

"Did she say anything to you?"

"No. But I could tell she wasn't happy. Guess she figured since you didn't have to run off to pick up The Young One at school, she had something she wanted you to do."

More tongues. Tomorrow promised to be a wonderful day in the neighborhood.

After chatting with Himself, I could feel the aura and swallowed a few aspirin. Guess I'd have to load up before the trip to the Weebles tomorrow. Looking out the sunroom window, I could see the morning glory twining its way up the trellis. I read somewhere that morning glory seeds were a hallucinogenic with the same properties as LSD. I didn't plant all the morning glory seeds. Wonder what I did with the packet?

2 comments:

Erica Vetsch said...

ROFL!!!! Where to feel the part?? I busted out laughing so hard I scared James.

Nutterone said...

giggle giggle giggle...